I

Let me sleep…
Leave me alone! 
Let me sleep…
Let me lie in the warmth and wonder
of this room that shapes my awareness,
bringing me succour and safety and sanity…
Let me sleep…

But no, 
torn from the womb
into coruscating light,
pain,
cold,
fear, 
too much to bear…
The miracle of birth anything but for the subject of the act…

And here I lie; my skin chafes against the cotton candy sheets,
smooth to your careworn skin,
still rough to mine…
Shapes swarm around me, 
drifting in and out of my world
that has expanded so far, so fast…

How will I ever make sense of all this…

II

Emotions and hormones, the bane of our existence…
How soon we forget the place they came to our knowledge, 
when they reared their heads and roamed at will through this virgin land…

My arms and legs are not mine, too long, too clumsy;
I cannot hold myself together in this form…
Once I knew myself, in purity and innocence, 
to be alone and yet loved unconditionally.
Now I know I am not alone…the bosom of my family is not the world…

There are others…

Other names, other faces
Other feelings, other voices
Other needs, other desires
Other people…
Other agendas…

Instinct? Free will? Nature? Nurture? Who knows…
but the race is on,
the game’s begun
the pace is swift
the gun has fired
the heart beats fast
the breath is hot
the way is clear

or maybe not…

III

The firestorm is here…

All my life has been the prelude to this one act play…

Adolescent fumblings in the back of darkened halls
Holding hands and kissing in the neon floodlit malls
Every day a preludes to the fireworks within
Waiting for the spark to come; let the show begin
The sight of you like nothing else that I have seen before
The taste of you like nothing else…and oh, how I want more…
The feel of you makes my heart race, it hammers in my chest
The sound of your soft breathing clears my mind of all the rest
Nothing has prepared me for this feast that meets my eyes
The gentle swell of teenage breast, the warmth of teenage thighs
The smoothness of your skin beguiles, enraptures this weak mind
I want to touch each inch of you, as if my eyes were blind
My lips meet yours in lovers kiss, and passion burns inside
My tongue leaves moonlit trails behind, over your skin it glides
Revelations flare as nipples harden at my touch
Navigate by your soft sighs, the way your fingers clutch
Into the creamy centre, where velvet meets my tongue
I sail the melody within, a song as yet unsung
As the waves begin to break, my path at last is clear
I ride the whirlwind onwards, all my fears now disappear
Deep within your gorgeous form I feel the pressure build
Liquid detonation…my dreams have been fulfilled…

IV

The cold winds blow around me…and the rain falls…

Once was light, and life, and warmth.
Once was promise of things to come.
Once I held you in my arms
And then, at once, that time was done.

Once I had a hope to bear
Across my trackless desert soul
Now that hope cannot dare
To speak or see or touch or hold.

Once I held you, Once we kissed.
Once we spoke, and wrote, and kissed.
Once we laughed, and talked, and kissed.
We kissed, we kissed, and kissed, and kissed.

Once was light, and life, and warmth.
Once was promise of things to come.
Once I held you in my arms
And then, at once, that time was done.

V

Love comes in many guises…

Spring has come again
The seeds of life are burgeoning through
the hoary crust of rime that coats this heart.

Is that really the sound of birds singing in the trees?
Has winter loosened its grip so far? 
Can this really be true…

When did I realise that this was possible, 
that love could grow again within such poor soil?
Unfed, unwaterd,
and yet, see this green shoot grow,
pushing upwards through the shards of broken dreams,
the clutching morass of self pity,
the sterility of desolation and despair,
pushing upwards…seeking the sun that rose each morning as if to taunt me,
and set each evening as if to mock me,
and leave me in a darkness to match my mood.

And then you came…

I pushed you away,
roughly,
unkindly,
sunk into my pit of pity,
ignoring what you might think,
uncaring of how you might feel…

But you stayed…

You saw something within me,
something worthy of redemption
of absolution
of love…

And I gave myself to you…completely…

VI

It is a miracle, and I will defy any who say it is not!

The dance began again,
slowly, 
carefully,
yet with growing confidence and poise.

Love blossomed into something more, something that consumed us…
Made us whole…

And yet…

There comes a time when the peak is not high enough,
there is a goal that seems unattainable…

And yet…

It can be reached…

The miracle…of life…

It is a miracle, and I will defy any who say it is not!

I have seen the miracle of life born anew, 
the miracle of creation, 
the conclusion of the moment that had no beginning,
but this end…
Every shred of love I ever felt has climaxed here, 
in this one perfect moment,
this distillate of joy,
this essence of happiness, 
this avatar of hope
this perfect, perfect moment…

my child…

VII

And so to bed…

The years seem to pass so swiftly now, 
where a summer used to last a lifetime, 
it vanishes in the blink of an eye, 
and the winter returns.

Life meanders,
but the meandering is not as of a path,
rather it runs across a series of peaks and troughs,
highs and lows,
until it reaches the sea of dreams.

My chart would make a song or two, I have no doubt,
but a song that would test the mettle of the finest voices,
and require a range beyond octaves
to encompass my range.

It is harder to remember who I was…
Who I wanted to be…
Who I thought I was…
Who you thought I was…

The fruit of this tree has grown older now, 
and has seeded itself in far off lands, 
across distant seas.

The bower that bore the fruit has returned to the dust 
that we scatter upon the sea of dreams,
our prayers a blend of sorrow for those who have gone,
and thankfulness that it was not us…
Aye, thankfulness; I do not feel guilt that I have lived so long,
I would live it all again, and more…
I would touch and taste and see and feel it all again
just one chance to braid the experience of age into the taut rope of youth…

What an adventure that would be…
What tales would be told of it…

But one for others, now…

And so to bed…

To sleep the everlasting sleep,
to sail the sea of dreams,
to find the new worlds beyond the confines of this one,
to see yet more wonders…

The wonder of the first sight of a world…
The wonder of a first kiss…
The wonder of a single drop of moisture on the fairest skin…
The wonder that emotions can travel so high…and so low…
The wonder of the look that tells you beyond doubt you are the one…
The wonder when your child first holds your hand…
The wonder of…where did it all go…

And so to bed…

Not satisfied,
Not content,

but at peace.

Copyright soulsease 2001